Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has opened up about a period when he “didn’t want to see himself in the mirror” and felt he “was going to die”, describing a breakdown during his time as a commentator that he links to years of racism and colour-based remarks.Sivaramakrishnan, who played 25 international matches for India in a five-year career, said the struggles became severe during the IPL held in the UAE during the Covid-19 lockdown. “I was down completely and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die.”He described how his routine collapsed during that phase. He would shut himself indoors and lose track of time. “Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly,” the former India spinner said while talking to Indian Express.Sleep became difficult, with recurring hallucinations. “You close your eyes, you see images that you can’t imagine. All very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes for a while, then again, open your eyes. So there goes your sleep.” He said alcohol worsened the situation. “Every time, you manage to tangle yourself tighter and tighter. And you have the whole world outside saying, ‘See, I told you. Liquor is the reason. I told you’.”Sivaramakrishnan said even during his 23-year stint as a commentator, the issue of appearance affected opportunities. “I’ve never done a toss or a presentation. I asked one of the producers why. He said, ‘We have been instructed by our bosses not to put you.’ They said it is to do with me not being presentable.” He added, “The most charismatic and the best in the business is Vijay Amritraj. Is he not dark?”He traced these experiences back to his early years in cricket. At 14, while serving as a net bowler at Chepauk, he recalled being mistaken for ground staff by a senior player. “I just looked at him and said, ‘That’s none of my business,’” he said, while talking to Indian Express.He also opened up about haunting racism ordeal inside the Indian dressing room.Having previously been part of the Indian team that toured Pakistan, Sivaramakrishnan made his Test debut in Antigua in April 1983, where at 17 years and 118 days was the then youngest player to play Test cricket for India.The former India spinner has revealed he spent more time in the West Indies dressing room during the 1983 tour where he made his debut in the Antigua Test.
He said such comments affected his confidence over time. “Because of my darkness, people would dismiss me. There was a sense of hurt every time this happened. I always wanted to forget, forget, forget but deep down, it’s always rooted and it comes out. All these things put me in a position where I had very low self-esteem at a tender age… it is very hard to build confidence.”In contrast, he said he found acceptance during the West Indies tour. He spent time with players like Malcolm Marshall and Desmond Haynes, who took him out regularly. “Everybody’s skin colour was on the darker side. They were very happy people,” he said.He also recalled a conversation with Gordon Greenidge, who spoke about facing similar issues in England. “He had personally told me that this is what I went through in England and that’s why I just mind my business, play my cricket and just go.”
