For most people, infidelity is the biggest deal-breaker in a marriage. While infidelity causes damage, there is something far more insidious. It may look subtle, but it can erode relationships. According to relationship repair expert Baya Voce, there is a red flag that quietly destroys relationships, and it has nothing to do with cheating.
The biggest red flag – Lack of mutual influence
“The red flag that I see most people miss over and over again in relationships, and it causes so much freaking pain. Are you ready for this? It’s when your partner can’t take in your influence,” Voce said in a video shared on Instagram. According to her, long-term relationships need more than just communication. “They let themselves be changed by each other. And I don’t mean in a lose yourself kind of way, but in the small everyday ways that say your experience matters enough to alter mine. So it’s called mutual influence, and research shows that it’s one of the strongest predictors of relationship stability, emotional security, and trust,” she explained. Mutual influence is not about losing your individuality, but about making slight changes in your everyday life that can make a meaningful difference. But when there is no mutual influence, it slowly affects the relationship. “Your partner hears you. They nod. They say the right things. But their behavior never actually changes. This is what kills relationships over time—not the lack of love but the inability to let that love reshape you. Healthy couples don’t just communicate, they let each other’s experience actually land and shift how they show up,” she said.
What does mutual influence look like in practice?
Mutual influence isn’t about making drastic changes. It is about choosing your partner, when they need you the most. For instance, when your partner says, “I need you to really hear me,” you put down your phone and listen. You both have different ideas about something. But for this time, you choose theirs over yours. According to the expert, the lack of this influence kills relationships. “Or you change your tone, not because you think you’re wrong and not because they’re right, but because you care about how your words land and they say, changing your tone will help. Relationships don’t fall apart because of a lack of love. Relationships fall apart because of a lack of repair.”There is a difference between hearing your partner say something hurts and actually doing something different because of it. This influence matters. You can perhaps start practicing this today. When your partner gives you feedback, pay attention. What is your immediate instinct? Do you defend, or do you get curious? Do you immediately launch into why you’re right, or do you pause and consider what they’re seeing that you might not be?Try to soften one place that you normally resist. One place where you’re usually stubborn. And see how things take over. By doing this, you are not surrendering. You are choosing the person you love.
